Shadows Crumble Page 3

  Karnati stepped forward, her movements measured, but her intent clear. She wrapped her arms around Madison's stiff shoulders and hooked her chin over one slender shoulder.

  "Just because we're healers doesn't mean that we're invulnerable," she said, quietly. "You should tell them that you need the time off. Don't let them put you on an active-duty roster or into that rotation thing. Tell them you need the time off before someone gets hurt."

  "I shouldn't have to explain that," Madison said, tiredly. "I shouldn't have to get space to breathe for myself at the expense of someone else having a-"

  "I know," Karnati said, simply. "I know. It sucks. I'm sorry."

  There was a loud sigh from their left, before Farnati joined them, flinging her arms around both of their shoulders. "Group hug," she said, flatly. "The highlight of my day. K's serious, Madison. I-I won't pretend I know how your Clan works, but I'll say that if you can't take time off for yourself, then you really have-"

  "I know," Madison growled. "A healer has no business healing others when they can't heal themselves-"

  "Wow, is that what your clan says?" Farnati pulled back, sweeping her long thick hair up into a high ponytail. Her eyes were lighter now, closer to the previous shade of gold that Karnati had shown. "Ours is—similar, but it's more like. If you can't heal yourself, then you're a liability."

  "Which is technically true," Karnati said, pulling back as well. She looked Madison over, a sharpness still visible in her gaze. "You're dead on your feet," she repeated. "If you can't take time off, why don't you look for a disaster rotation? Something that will put you in a different setting. Maybe off-realm? Somewhere that you can figure things out with perfect strangers-"

  "No thanks," Madison shuffled back a few steps, warily. "The last thing I have is energy for strangers that-"

  "Anonymity," Karnati said, lightly. "I did a few rotations like that. Just to get some space from things."

  "It's why we decided to come back to healing on a part-time basis," Farnati explained. "Honestly? Running the cafe is fun and a dream, but it's not really that much different than this here. At least at the cafe, we could set our own hours and only be on call when Quinn did something stupid."

  "He's gotten better at not doing it though," Karnati said, mildly. "Dyshoka's not that much better."

  "Alejandro too," Farnati said. "Oh. Well. You know how it is. Idiot siblings and all that. We try to fill in the gaps and sometimes those gaps are bigger than they seem at first glance. Anyway, the point is, if you just want to help people? There's ways to do it without, y'know, half-killing yourself in the process?"

  "...you two are the last ones I want to hear that from." But even as she spoke, a reluctant smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. The months she'd spent in residency with them had managed to result in a strange kind of friendship.

  Just enough to be more than passing acquaintances. Enough to know that if she needed to have a Junior Healer at her back—then the Kalzik twins were the ones she wanted.

  "Nah, she's being serious," Karnati said. "You look about as good as you did the last time we got stuck with you."

  The tease was light and gentle—as gentle as she could make it, knowing Karnati as she did—but the sting was still there. The unspoken hint that she sucked at making and keeping her own boundaries even after everything she'd been through.

  "Right. Thanks, I guess?" Madison resisted the urge to rub at her face with tired hands.

  That took more energy than she could spare for the day.

  "Anytime," the twins chorused.

  "Take care of yourself," Karnati said, warningly.

  "Yeah—or you know, invite us to the funeral?" Farnati dodged the incoming smack from her sister. "What?"

  "Just because it's true, doesn't mean you should say it. Get out of here, Madison. I'll make sure Mama signs out you properly."

  5

  Empty Spaces - Madison

  The problem was simple enough when Madison stumbled through the entryway of their shared apartment, the stress of the day rolling off of her in tangible waves. The eeriness of the quiet, shadowed hallway was a welcome change from the bright lights of the clinic and the loud chatter of others.

  "Celia?" Madison called out, toeing off her shoes. "If anyone calls for me, can you tell them I've warded my room and I'm not available?"

  There was no immediate answer, but that wasn't unheard of.

  Celia could crawl into her visions for hours at a time, sometimes even more. Days, weeks, months even, though thankfully, she'd never done the month-long bits after Madison had tentatively pointed out that it worried her to be unable to check on her vitals.

  The result was a shared message board and various other concessions on both sides, to reach a happy communication medium.

  It was not the strangely empty silence that felt a few degrees off-kilter as Madison padded further into the apartment. Her shadows peeled off of her in several layers, slithering along the floors and up the walls, checking for anything that was out of the ordinary.

  There wasn't much of anything to notice, except for the strange silence.

  No—wait.

  It was more than silence.

  Everything was a little too quiet and too empty.

  Empty.

  Right.

  Madison slowly picked her way through the apartment, a growing sense of dread pooling in her stomach.

  If this was what she thought it was, then a lot of things were going to screw her over in very short order.

  Celia was one of the few constants that she counted in her life. A steady presence that was always there, even if she didn't need or particularly want it every single waking minute of the day.

  It was just—Celia.

  It was just them.

  That was the way they worked. That was how they fit together.

  Slowly, oh so slowly, Madison moved through the apartment on silent feet. She barely noticed how the sticky floor was now freshly mopped and slick. A faint citrusy-scent clung to the air.

  Not a hint of lavender or smoky haze to be found.

  The sense of dread doubled in the space of a few breaths.

  Madison forced herself to head to the room—Celia's room—and knock, stiffly on the door. She waited a beat, then two and then three.

  And nothing happened.

  No one came to the door. No one answered from within. Not a single wisp of smoke spilled out from underneath the door.

  Oh.

  Oh no.

  Madison lifted her hand to knock again, freezing at the sight of her trembling fist. Her shadows swarmed around her, frantically trying to distract and soothe, but the seed of doubt had already been sown.

  It took a half-minute to wrestle her nameless favorite shadow into opening the bedroom door.

  It wasn't locked.

  The door swung inward far too easily and the hollow, empty shell of a bedroom screamed back at her.

  Madison sucked in a breath and forgot to breathe it out.

  The floor slapped against her knees as she crumpled, fingers splayed out on the citrus-scented floor. Curling against smooth wood and finding no purchase for the sudden rush of feeling.

  Too many feelings. Too many emotions.

  All of them tangled up together until she couldn't pry a single one of them apart to better examine them in her hands.

  Celia had just...left.

  Not a single word of—oh.

  Her world narrowed to the glitchy replay of the previous night and Celia's bland, but bored expression and the way she'd been so focused on her communication stone.

  "Don't blame me for not telling you..."

  And oh, if that didn't sit heavy and wrong in her stomach. Weighing her down to the floor and anchoring her there as if there was no reason to ever sit up and walk on her own again.

  Ever.

  Her vision greyed at the corners as instinct rushed to the forefront, overpowering rational thought to shriek and wail within her.

  She was a terrible Pareya. She had to be. A lousy, miserable excuse of a proper protector. A failure and a freak. Too wrapped up in her own little world to realize that she'd neglected things—people—so much more.

  This was her fault. She'd done this. Ruined it with her own hands, awful shortcomings and terrible temper. Maybe even on account of her shadows. She'd brought so many of them home, recently, after all.

  There was no one else to blame, but herself. There was no one left to blame.

  A dull ache in her stomach made itself known. The feeling of dread slowly fading into a sharp, bone-deep ache that felt as if it'd never go away. As if it was etched into her bones and carved into the very fabric of her being.

  Pain that she couldn't simply shake off or numb out.

  She couldn't even think of a good excuse. No way to justify what she'd done.

  And she had done it.

  The dinner conversation replayed again. Celia's words overlapping with painful accuracy.

  She had been spoiling for a fight.

  She had.

  This was her fault.

  If she'd even tried to keep her problems to herself, instead of blurting them out and burdening another, this never would've happened.

  Celia wouldn't have left. She would've felt comfortable and cared for and she would have stayed.

  Because only someone who felt neglected would leave—right? What was she supposed to do now?

  Madison couldn't process anything beyond that. She was vaguely aware of a high-pitched keen that was so sharp and annoying, she wished it'd stop. That someone would rip that terrible sound of existence and oh—wait.

  That was her, wasn't it?

  Even if she wished otherwise.

  No matter what she could tell herself, there was n
o reason to exist. Not when she was such a terrible, horrible example of a person.

  A Pareya who couldn't keep anyone beside her. A Pareya that couldn't court into a proper Circle. A Pareya who couldn't even manage her instinctive needs and urges without having a full-scale meltdown.

  Ah.

  So that's what was happening.

  A proper meltdown, years in the making. One single shift in her reality and everything came crumbling down.

  The grey turned to black and Madison fell straight into her shadows with no chance of climbing back out on her own. There was nothing to return to, after all.

  6

  The First Step Is Asking For Help - Madison

  Time passed.

  Madison knew nothing of it. She lay on the cool, wooden floor breathing in the unfamiliar citrus-cleaning scent and spiraling deeper with every single vicious cycle of her unforgiving thoughts.

  The floor warmed under her. The ache in her stomach subsided. Her shadows continued to chatter and push and shove at her.

  But nothing changed.

  Dimly, she knew something wasn't right. That maybe she should sit up and try to reach out. To call for help. To make some sort of attempt to save herself.

  And yet, she couldn't move.

  Didn't want to.

  Barely breathed, lying there, alone.

  Time trickled by a little more.

  And then there were voices. Sounds. Footsteps and magic twining together.

  Madison didn't move.

  She was barely aware of the voices growing louder and the footsteps drawing nearer. They were sort of familiar.

  She should know them.

  And then, they were there.

  Both of them.

  The Kalzik twins, Farnati and Karnati, both of them rushing to her side in various shades of dismay.

  "Madison!"

  Ah. That sounded like Karnati.

  "Sweet mother of Ergen—was she attacked?"

  And that would be Farnati.

  Madison should've at least tried to greet them properly. They'd bothered to come all the way out to her terrible little hovel of an apartment.

  Oh no.

  They'd see what a miserable failure she was.

  Ah. Too late.

  "Madison? Mads!" Karnati folded down gracefully to sit on the floor, a pink-and-gold lengha billowing out around her bare, bejeweled feet.

  A Kalzik was always pretty in gold, Madison thought, idly. The twins were no different. Lovely and fierce, just like their famous mother.

  It was a pity they had to see her like this.

  "Doesn't look like an attack. I don't see any signs of a struggle. Wards are intact. K?"

  "She's not responding. I think she's in some kind of shock."

  "From what?" Farnati wanted to know. "There's no reason for her to-"

  "Let's get her up and off of the floor. That can't be comfortable."

  A whine built in her throat. Madison wanted to protest. She couldn't move. She didn't want to. She didn't deserve to be anywhere but the floor—lower than the floor, even-!

  "I don't think she wants to be moved," Farnati said, darkly. "Her shadows don't look good."

  "We can't just leave her here, Nati. You know that."

  "Didn't say that we had to. I just said that—Arielle. She's spiraling, isn't she. That's not good. Call Mama. Hurry."

  "But what if she doesn't-"

  "Call. Her!"

  "Fine, I'm calling. I'm calling."

  Madison didn't bother to focus on the conversation beyond that. She let herself drift again, wondering if the twins' discovery counted as an invitation for her funeral.

  Oh well.

  Maybe she'd get lucky. Maybe Death's Court could find someplace useful for someone like her...

  7

  Helping Hands - Madison

  Surajini Kalzik, Master Healer Elite extraordinaire was a woman of presence, purpose and power. She swept into Madison's shared apartment with Farnati trailing behind her, looking worried and tired.

  A searing warmth blazed through the entire living space, before the crackling magic that accompanied it, fizzled out into little crackles and pops of golden light. The forceful blast of fresh energy breathed a bit of new life back into the place.

  The sheer force behind it left Madison speechless.

  Even her own mothers, for all of their power and ranked depth, had never imprinted themselves so clearly and specifically in her own space.

  "You'll have to excuse that," Surajini said, lightly. "But the energy in here is stifling. I don't know how any of you are managing right now. That kind of heaviness is not good."

  Her healers’ robes swirled around her, crimson-and-cream-colored sleeves and smocks crisp and clean. There was a fierce warmth and steadiness to her that radiated outward like a siren beacon.

  Drawing them toward her with the sheer brightness of her presence.

  Madison let herself wallow in it for a good half-minute. The shift in energy and magic was so welcome, she could've cried a little more.

  Karnati had half pulled her, half tugged her all the way out of the room and into the little cramped living room. She'd been settled onto the couch and wrapped in a blanket with pillows propped up around her.

  Effectively swaddled for the foreseeable future.

  "Mama!" Karnati greeted, relieved. She dissolved into a string of words in that odd, familiar language they shared, finishing off with a grand gesture at Madison.

  There was a considering hum and then a deliberate click of the tongue against teeth, before Surajini approached the well-worn couch, her steps measured and her movements steady and sure.

  Almost as if each shift and twitch was choreographed for Madison to track.

  It was oddly soothing.

  Madison was prepared for a lot of things, except for the way that Surajini's expression inexplicably softened into something gentle and open when their eyes first met.

  She looked away—she had to—unable to keep staring back at someone who saw exactly what she felt like and still stood there, unafraid.

  "I hope you know," Surajini began, easing onto the empty space on the cushions beside her. "That you are not any of those things you are telling yourself in your head right now."

  Madison managed a wobbly smile, grateful that her shaking hands were hidden under the blanket. She wasn't sure she could hold herself together for the sake of politeness in front of a friend's mother.

  "You are not," Surajini said, firmly. "You are a brilliant and resourceful woman with a wealth of unique experiences under your belt. You've trained harder and more extensively than other healers in your bracket and course track. You've persevered through a tremendous amount of pressure and field work, despite some of the ridiculousness that's accompanied it."

  Madison shook her head, slowly at first and then more frantically when the words did not stop. "I'm not," she croaked out, when it seemed as if Surajini wasn't about to stop any time soon.

  "You are."

  "...no! I can't—I'm not-"

  "You are also extremely tired, exhausted and burned out, sweetheart." Surajini's look turned knowing. "Running yourself into the ground because you feel like you deserve it is not a good practice."

  Madison sniffled.

  "It's a very bad habit. One that takes a lot out of you to correct."

  "Mama?" Farnati stood on the other end of the couch, handing over a small slip of paper. "You might want to read this."

  Surajini frowned, but took the scrap of paper. Her golden eyes fluxed to a rich, warm hazel, before she frowned and folded it into a tiny square. "Can I ask that you trust me that you do not need to read what is written here right now?"

  Madison shrugged.

  It didn't matter. Whatever was there couldn't make any difference anymore. She was already a failure and a—ow!

  She reared back, a cry of alarm on her lips before she realized that Surajini had simply reached over and flicked her on the forehead.

  The pain was barely more than a pinch, fading out already, though not quick enough to stop her from rubbing at the spot.

  "This is yours and I am not getting rid of it. You simply aren't in a good headspace for it right now." Surajini frowned, tucking the note away in the front pocket of her healer's smock. "I'll be happy to give it back when you're able to read it."